My Life List for 2009

The year is almost over. I don't like to make New Year resolutions. I feel they put too much pressure on myself. This year I made a life list. It was fun and I realized I am very rich. Happy-Healthy New Year to you and yours. Peace-God Bless

My 2009 Life List

* To be Healthy ( mentally and physically)
* put exercise into my everyday life
* eat better
* Fit into "COOL" jeans
* wear only jeans and a T-shirt (no covering up with a bulky sweatshirt)
* be a good role model for Konrad & Koby
* stop the negative. Thoughts or words. With in myself or about others. DO NOT JUDGE. EXCEPT.
* 8 hours of sleep!!!!! (no less than 7!!!!!!!)
* keep learning (anything...even if I'm done with college courses. YEA-right)
* WRITE. I will write a book(s) someday
* JOG. I have 47 more half marathons to go
* Play with Konrad and Koby
* be mentally able to share in Konrad and Koby's lives
* worry less or plan ways to conquer the worry
* BLOG more
* enjoy family and friends
* PRAY
* take nothing for granted (LIVE & LOVE completely)
* help the earth (recycle and teach Konrad and Koby how precious our earth is)
* HONOR my father by being the best ME possible (I LOVE YOU-DAD)
* Kiss and hug Kurt more
* laugh and be silly
* go to Disney (at least 20 more times!)
* communicate (share my thoughts, feelings, dreams, desires, goals)
* buy a new pair of shoes, jeans, earrings and fragrance
* get a massage and a facial
*buy a pool (save to buy a pool)
*HUG the dogs
* put my all into work (they are our future)
* do not be afraid to show emotion (cry if I must...laugh too)
* love, except and nurture my inner self
* photograph LOTS
* sing and dance
* buy books, even if I haven't finished the one I'm reading
* buy new lip gloss
* SMILE
* THANK GOD for all that I have ( I am blessed)
* eat more cookies!!!!! (jog an extra 10 minutes)

A Face Hidden

Before I begin I must confess that I haven't posted a blog in a while because I've been afraid. Afraid to write, afraid to bare my soul. Someone asked me how my mom and dad where doing today and that was all I could handle. I need to blog. When I write I hope my readers will take something away from my words and add it someway to their lives, for better or for worse. I don't want my readers to feel sorry, guilty or whatever for me as the writer. Just enjoy my words and connect with them somehow. That is my HOPE anyway. Now to begin.....

I get up everyday- dress, shower, eat breakfast, take care of the kids and dogs...then it's off to do my day. Work or whatever. But before I walk out the door I put on my mask. The mask of a strong face. No sorrow, no tears. A mask of strength. Eyes focused, mouth relaxed. The mask is used so I can continue living with out the greatest dad in the world. (I thought so, anyway) December is a month where so many are running around with holiday cheer, but for me my mask of strength is held tightly to my face. But today it cracked. When that person asked, "How's your mom and dad?" As she said the words the world stopped around me, I heard nothing but saw her expression when she saw my face and realized as I said the words, "my father passed away. He got cancer and died." Two things crossed my mind as she asked the question, lie and tell her good and walk away or scream, "God took him too early!!!!!" My mask and I opted for the truth but with that truth came the tears I keep hidden. My mask cracked. My dad died on December 18. My birthday is December 12. The mask of strength is the only way I make it through this month. My kids smiles and laughter bring me joy but sorrow too because Bampa isn't here. For tonight my mask is cracked. I will mend it tomorrow before I walk out the door.

Think Twice

Is it the weather? Is it me?
I just get in these ruts. Nothing seems to make me happy. I feel fat. Ugly. Old. I feel tired.
I'm going to dinner tonight and I have nothing to wear. I look out dated. As I'm getting ready I feel like I let myself go. Shit, when was the last time I had a manicure. I'm always rushing. It drives me crazy. But now as I sit here and write I am thinking, get over yourself. This stuff isn't important. It's what is inside. I do the best I can do...with what God gave me. I should be happy I have a strong heart that let's me breath, strong arms and legs that allow me to play with Konrad and Koby. Which brings me to those two cuties loving me for me. You know, it's funny, I set out writing this in a miserable, down on myself mood. Now I am really happy. I just made myself see all of the shit...good shit...I do have. It doesn't take a manicure or a new pair of jeans...it takes me loving me.
So to those of you who may be having a down on yourself kind of day, think twice. You may surprise yourself...I sure did.

Have you had a cookie today? Oatmeal raisin for me.

PAY IT FOREWARD>>>NO FEAR.

I'm so mad. Before I closed my eyes to fall asleep last night I wrote this blog in my head. I kept telling myself to get up and write it down but I thought I'd remember it. Guess what...I can only remember bits and pieces. I do that all the time...DAMN when will I learn. Any way, it was a good thought so I am going to try.

A friend of mine recently got hurt while roller blading. She was in a public place. Sitting there bleeding and hurt she was taking her time getting up and an older gentleman was walking her way...did he stop to help? NO. A couple walked down the path and still there she sat, bleeding and hurt...did the couple stop to help? NO. A jogger ran by and did offer to help. Thank God. When my friend told me the story and about the people who did not stop I could not believe it. Someone said they probably were afraid...Yes I thought that must be it. But then I thought NO! That is just a simple excuse for people NOT to help others in need. This story reminded me of a story I was taught in CCD about clothing people who we are cold, feeding those who are hungry and opening your door to those in need. When we don't help those in need it is like we are turning our back to God himself. I don't know if those reading this are religious or not, it doesn't matter. To not offer help to someone who is visibly in need is inexcusable. It makes me sad. I think of the saying "pay it forward." How simple acts of kindness can go so far and that man and that couple missed an opportunity to "pay it forward." It makes me sad. So my HOPE to all who read this is that if you see an opportunity where you can help a fellow human being (or animal) don't be afraid. "Pay it forward."

Share a cookie with a stranger...don't be afraid.

Pain

the flicker of the flame, as it burns softly in the calm dark of a rainy day

my eyes still burn from the fresh tears of yesterday

the sharp pain filled knot buried deep with in my chest has left my inner being, allowing me a deep breath

the rage filled my veins and blurred my vision

the piercing screams came, leaving a burn in my throat

my eyes still burn from the fresh tears of yesterday

the ache in my body

the urge to close my eyes. sleep

curl my knees, head deep under the soft comfort of my warm blanket-feeling its warm embrace

my brain. piercing pieces of thought-they won't stop

sleep or awake they zap into my being

OUT OF CONTROL
SADNESS
ANGER
RESENTMENT
GUILT

OUT OF CONTROL
RAGE
SORROW
MEMORIES
DESPAIR

my eyes still burn from the fresh tears of yesterday

SSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!

They are creepy. They stare at you with little beadie eyes. They are quiet. They are quick. They FREAK ME OUT!!!! They are SNAKES!!!! And they are NOT outside! They are in my house!!! I had a stare down with one today for 20 minutes!!!! Let me begin to explain this slithery story...It all begins four years ago. We purchased our house on Oak Hill Ave. I was 6 months pregnant (give or take a month ) I was sitting in the living room and I happened to look over at a chair and saw a little head with eyes....I was saying under my breath..."is that a....snake?" I whispered it softly to myself because I didn't want to alarm the dogs who I knew would spoke the snake who would then really freak me out, so I ever so softly moved in for a closer look. Then all HELL broke loose! He looked at me I looked at him, I screamed he slithered and the dogs went crazy!!!! I maneuvered myself and big belly up onto a chair keeping my eyes on the devil. Standing on the chair I began screaming to the dogs to get away so they wouldn't scare the thing so I wouldn't be able to find it. Finally the madness quieted and I could think. Kurt was on the road to far away to call him. My dad was my next knight but he was unreachable. My next victim was Uncle Paul, thankfully he was home and came right away to my rescue! He bravely picked the snake up with a T-shirt and placed him in a bag. Because I don't like to kill nature he walked the bugger over to the woods across the street and let him free. We both agreed if the little fool tries to cross the road and gets run over that's his problem. (I'm OK with natural, sort of, causes). So that was the end of that, NOT. Doing laundry one day I am going to lift a load of clean, dry clothes that have been sitting on top of the dryer waiting to be folded and again I see a little head and those same beadie eyes...Kurt's home and this time I can't stop the scream!!!! I run upstairs and tell Kurt. He goes to get it but of course the slithery beast is gone. Konrad is born now and just crawling at the time of this snake sighting. Days go by and I forget about the snake. Konrad and I are playing on the living room floor. Laughing, clapping, having a great time. All of a sudden out of the corner of my eye I see IT....I have a total freak out and scare Konrad half to death. The dogs are barking, Konrad is crying and I'm freaking. And the snake is trying to get the hell out....I can't remember who came to my rescue this time but someone did. I hate to say this but we see another one a few days later. I am in the changing room with Konrad and I hear Kurt tell his cousin, who he had been talking to on the phone, "Shit, Sal, I gotta go, a snake is slithering by and I don't want Kim to know." Well of course I hear him and freak!!!! That snake wasn't as lucky....he didn't get relocated! So as you can guess I am not happy! I want this snake nightmare to end. I start to make calls to exterminators, no one knows what to do or how to remove them. I do finally get in touch with some pest remover company who charges me an arm and a leg to do basically nothing. The only good advice they said was to remove a large wood pile that we had in the back yard. Which we did, right away!!!! Snake problem solved. NOT!!!! Well actually it had been until two days ago. I was going down to the basement to get a roll of T.P when I see a little head and beadie eyes....for some reason I didn't freak. I was pissed. "You bastard!" I said to that snake. I grabbed the broom and started swatting at it. It slithered away. Yes, I found where the bastards are coming in after all these years and all that money spent. So Kurt fixes the problem. All is good. No more snakes. NOT.

Today I go to the basement and what do I see...a full bodied snake slithering around on the basement floor. Kurt was upstairs with the kids so I yelled for him to get down here quick. Again this snake was not so lucky. Kurt reassures me that will be the last of them because he must have been a leftover trying to find his way out. I felt relieved. The kids go down for a nap, Kurt goes shopping and I go to the cellar to start a load of laundry. Rounding the corner IT catches my eye..."What the------!" I calmly walked backward keeping my eyes right on him. My eyes pierced into his little beadie eyes. I tried to think what I could kill him with and I couldn't do it. I broke out into a sweat. My heart beat through my shirt but I didn't stop the stare. I prayed Kurt would get home. Then all of a sudden he began to move. He slithered along the wall, I darted after him with the pole from the mop. I began poking at him to try to get him cornered, but the lucky thing found a crack to hide in. Kurt was still not home and I wanted to get the hell out of the basement. Placing a For Sale sign out front has crossed my mind many times! Kurt got home and again had to go on snake patrol. Number 6 was caught and done away with. I hate to kill creatures, I really do. But I hate more that these slithery, yucky, beadie eyed beasts are trying to move in to my home! So now I sit calmly watching the Sox get beat by Toronto. The day hasn't been so good. Maybe the Sox will end up winning another World Series and I will never see another snake in this house again! That would be AWESOME! For now I'll just go get a cookie.
Have you had a cookie today? SSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!

Even a cookie won't help

I saw Batman the other night. Before I continue I want to say I am not an expert on comic book Super Heroes. As far as the movie I found it very violent. I realize there would be explosions but I think it was violent in terms of watching or interpreting people going to get or be killed or hurt in a violent way. I think it was made to have more of a "real" feel than a make believe comic feel. There was a part where people where escaping the city and they were walking out in masses, I couldn't help thinking of 9/11. I don't like that feeling. Another part that bothered me was the detective that associated with Batman got shot and killed. They show the wife and son being told of this horror only to later find out he had to "do it" to protect them. (sorry if you haven't seen the movie) I know this part really disturbed me because being a wife and mom I can not imagine the sorrow of losing your husband and your child their father. Then to find out he wasn't dead pissed me off because I fucking want that to happen to me! I'd love for my dad to come walking back up to me saying "I had to do it." I know, it's only a movie. Yet I couldn't stop thinking of all the kids in my pre-school who love the super heroes! How many of them will beg their parents to let them see this movie. And who some just might. And that is how I got to thinking that movies and television have become too violent. People do say, "they are just movies" or "it's just a t.v. show. " But some one's head has just been blown off and we watch,a dead body is being cut open on a table and we watch, people violently die and we watch. We read the paper and watch the news and people are getting hurt or killed and we sit there with no expression, it's every day life....oh well. I'm scared of all the violence. It is everywhere and no one seems to mind. I see it being played on the play yard at the pre-school and it proves that the innocent think it's OK. I'm scared of the violence.
Even a cookie won't help me feel better.

To Blog or not to blog...that has been my question of the day. But leaving the bathroom and seeing my god-awful refelction in the mirror I knew I must blog. As a mom I get busy and tend to let myself go, as I am sure many of you can relate to. Even if you don't have kids life gets busy and we tend to forget about giving ourselves some TLC. As I saw myself in the mirror, no gloss on the lips, a black eye (thanks to Koby's head), and my short hair pulled back with a clip on the top of my head with two big feathered like wings of hair coming out on each side, like the joker from Batman! Kim-get a hold of yourself, I thought. I immediatley reached for some revitalizing hair spray and went to work, added some gloss and went straight to the computer. Now here I sit. It's funny how just a little primping can lift your spirits. For the past many months I have been feeling empty. Or maybe Blah is the word. Like I need to spice up my life...do something crazy. Something to feel alive. I'm not sure if anyone has done the Polar Plunge in January,but DO IT! Because that is the feeling I am looking for. It's crazy to be jumping into the water when it is freezing outside, it's a little nerve racking and scary too-you think, oh God please don't let me have a heart attack. No sharks, it's too cold. My wintey white skin might scare a little kid, but they count you down 5, 4, 3, 2, 1....and there is a mad dash for the water (or in the case of last year, it was just 4 of us) you just have to run in, don't stop. The harsh, bitter cold doesn't hit you right away, when it does you're on your way out of the frigid cold water to your warm towel. Your feet feel like bricks and the boogies are frozen to your face but you can't stop laughing and neither can those around you. You feel so alive!
I recently had another opportunity to feel a bit crazy when I got my second tatoo. One of my best friends from high school came for a visit, she is to turn....this February and wanted to do something wild. Feeling empty and blah I quickly joined in on her fun. My cousin Ryan drew this kick ass sea turtle with my boys names and the number 11 in memory of my dad going through the turtles shell. With each prick of the needle I felt more alive, when it was finished it was perfect. It was the warm towel on that cold January day. So today again I have that same feeling of blah. I want to do something to feel alive. Writing and jogging help. I don't think I've always had this blah empty feeling. And I'm not that wild and crazy that I'd jump from a plane,(maybe if I had no kids). So what is it that drives me to blah...my look in the mirror? I have no idea, but that was the look that made me blog today, and at this moment I do feel alive! Maybe tomorrow I'll get a hair cut, that usually works for a day or two. And I'll have a cookie, nothing says alive like a fresh chocoalte chip cookie straight out of the oven.
Have you had a cookie today?

To live like POOH BEAR

well I just had my first, of I am sure many BLOG mess ups....I had a blog all written then I pressed something and poof it was gone. Well the first few lines where there, nothing else. Bummer. I started off by saying thank you to all who are reading and/or commenting. I appreciate it. Also please feel free to give my blog info. out to anyone you may think would be interested. Now to begin...As some of you may know I am a list oriented person. I write a list for just about everyhting. So for the summer I made a summer reading list. I put on it 13 books I have been wanting to read or finish reading. That brings me to the book I just finished, A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. At first I thought I should stop reading it becasue it seemed too much for a summer read, but thankfully I kept reading and closed the book a more "PRESENT" person. One of my favorite books of all time is the Tao of Pooh. I always wanted to try and live my life like Pooh, simple yet profound. I am sorry to say I haven't picked up the book in years and really should have when life got too much. But now with Eckhart Tolle he again made me see how living in the present is so important to what life is all about. He wrote, "The present moment is always small in the sense that it is always simple, but concealed within it lies the greatest power." (pg.266-7) And that brings me to witnessing my boys playing outside today. They where simply running in circles and yelling their little heads off, just being in the moment. My moment was watching them. It was beautiful. Being "PRESENT" is something I do when I jog. I never think about how far I need to go, I just put one jogging shoe in front of the other and just BE. I breath and go, at that moment I am PRESENT with each step and breath I take. I recommend this book to everyone who wants to be more "PRESENT" in their lives. And right now my "PRESENT" is to sip my coffee and take a bite of cookie. "Be still. Look. Listen. Be present. " (pg. 236)
Have you had a cookie today?

cookie-MOMster is born

For over a year now I have been taking a writing class. Since I was a little girl I loved to write. During my twenties I hate to say I never picked up a pen to write, I had totally forgotten the love I had for it. Fast forward to the birth of my first son the urge to write began to grow once again. Then with the birth of my second little guy I was all consumed by it. I began writing in journals for them, writing about things that they did or how I felt about being their mom. I continue to write in them so someday I can present them with my journey of being their mom. Writing in those journals inspired me to begin writing for myself, then enrolling in the writing class and now here I sit composing a piece for my very own blog! The idea behind cookie-MOMster came from those journals that I write for Konrad and Koby. Being a new mom I was CRAZY!!!!!(still am) The only thing that would calm me were cookies and coffee. These two little beings bring chaos and much happiness to my life. I hope you will join me on this ride.
Have you had a cookie today?
I did. An Oreo and a coffee=CALM.