A Face Hidden

Before I begin I must confess that I haven't posted a blog in a while because I've been afraid. Afraid to write, afraid to bare my soul. Someone asked me how my mom and dad where doing today and that was all I could handle. I need to blog. When I write I hope my readers will take something away from my words and add it someway to their lives, for better or for worse. I don't want my readers to feel sorry, guilty or whatever for me as the writer. Just enjoy my words and connect with them somehow. That is my HOPE anyway. Now to begin.....

I get up everyday- dress, shower, eat breakfast, take care of the kids and dogs...then it's off to do my day. Work or whatever. But before I walk out the door I put on my mask. The mask of a strong face. No sorrow, no tears. A mask of strength. Eyes focused, mouth relaxed. The mask is used so I can continue living with out the greatest dad in the world. (I thought so, anyway) December is a month where so many are running around with holiday cheer, but for me my mask of strength is held tightly to my face. But today it cracked. When that person asked, "How's your mom and dad?" As she said the words the world stopped around me, I heard nothing but saw her expression when she saw my face and realized as I said the words, "my father passed away. He got cancer and died." Two things crossed my mind as she asked the question, lie and tell her good and walk away or scream, "God took him too early!!!!!" My mask and I opted for the truth but with that truth came the tears I keep hidden. My mask cracked. My dad died on December 18. My birthday is December 12. The mask of strength is the only way I make it through this month. My kids smiles and laughter bring me joy but sorrow too because Bampa isn't here. For tonight my mask is cracked. I will mend it tomorrow before I walk out the door.