SSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!

They are creepy. They stare at you with little beadie eyes. They are quiet. They are quick. They FREAK ME OUT!!!! They are SNAKES!!!! And they are NOT outside! They are in my house!!! I had a stare down with one today for 20 minutes!!!! Let me begin to explain this slithery story...It all begins four years ago. We purchased our house on Oak Hill Ave. I was 6 months pregnant (give or take a month ) I was sitting in the living room and I happened to look over at a chair and saw a little head with eyes....I was saying under my breath..."is that a....snake?" I whispered it softly to myself because I didn't want to alarm the dogs who I knew would spoke the snake who would then really freak me out, so I ever so softly moved in for a closer look. Then all HELL broke loose! He looked at me I looked at him, I screamed he slithered and the dogs went crazy!!!! I maneuvered myself and big belly up onto a chair keeping my eyes on the devil. Standing on the chair I began screaming to the dogs to get away so they wouldn't scare the thing so I wouldn't be able to find it. Finally the madness quieted and I could think. Kurt was on the road to far away to call him. My dad was my next knight but he was unreachable. My next victim was Uncle Paul, thankfully he was home and came right away to my rescue! He bravely picked the snake up with a T-shirt and placed him in a bag. Because I don't like to kill nature he walked the bugger over to the woods across the street and let him free. We both agreed if the little fool tries to cross the road and gets run over that's his problem. (I'm OK with natural, sort of, causes). So that was the end of that, NOT. Doing laundry one day I am going to lift a load of clean, dry clothes that have been sitting on top of the dryer waiting to be folded and again I see a little head and those same beadie eyes...Kurt's home and this time I can't stop the scream!!!! I run upstairs and tell Kurt. He goes to get it but of course the slithery beast is gone. Konrad is born now and just crawling at the time of this snake sighting. Days go by and I forget about the snake. Konrad and I are playing on the living room floor. Laughing, clapping, having a great time. All of a sudden out of the corner of my eye I see IT....I have a total freak out and scare Konrad half to death. The dogs are barking, Konrad is crying and I'm freaking. And the snake is trying to get the hell out....I can't remember who came to my rescue this time but someone did. I hate to say this but we see another one a few days later. I am in the changing room with Konrad and I hear Kurt tell his cousin, who he had been talking to on the phone, "Shit, Sal, I gotta go, a snake is slithering by and I don't want Kim to know." Well of course I hear him and freak!!!! That snake wasn't as lucky....he didn't get relocated! So as you can guess I am not happy! I want this snake nightmare to end. I start to make calls to exterminators, no one knows what to do or how to remove them. I do finally get in touch with some pest remover company who charges me an arm and a leg to do basically nothing. The only good advice they said was to remove a large wood pile that we had in the back yard. Which we did, right away!!!! Snake problem solved. NOT!!!! Well actually it had been until two days ago. I was going down to the basement to get a roll of T.P when I see a little head and beadie eyes....for some reason I didn't freak. I was pissed. "You bastard!" I said to that snake. I grabbed the broom and started swatting at it. It slithered away. Yes, I found where the bastards are coming in after all these years and all that money spent. So Kurt fixes the problem. All is good. No more snakes. NOT.

Today I go to the basement and what do I see...a full bodied snake slithering around on the basement floor. Kurt was upstairs with the kids so I yelled for him to get down here quick. Again this snake was not so lucky. Kurt reassures me that will be the last of them because he must have been a leftover trying to find his way out. I felt relieved. The kids go down for a nap, Kurt goes shopping and I go to the cellar to start a load of laundry. Rounding the corner IT catches my eye..."What the------!" I calmly walked backward keeping my eyes right on him. My eyes pierced into his little beadie eyes. I tried to think what I could kill him with and I couldn't do it. I broke out into a sweat. My heart beat through my shirt but I didn't stop the stare. I prayed Kurt would get home. Then all of a sudden he began to move. He slithered along the wall, I darted after him with the pole from the mop. I began poking at him to try to get him cornered, but the lucky thing found a crack to hide in. Kurt was still not home and I wanted to get the hell out of the basement. Placing a For Sale sign out front has crossed my mind many times! Kurt got home and again had to go on snake patrol. Number 6 was caught and done away with. I hate to kill creatures, I really do. But I hate more that these slithery, yucky, beadie eyed beasts are trying to move in to my home! So now I sit calmly watching the Sox get beat by Toronto. The day hasn't been so good. Maybe the Sox will end up winning another World Series and I will never see another snake in this house again! That would be AWESOME! For now I'll just go get a cookie.
Have you had a cookie today? SSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!