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Attleboro, Massachusetss, United States
Hi. Welcome. I created CookieMOMster because when I was a first time mom 6 years ago cookies saved me. I was in a whirlwind of sleepless nights, crying and baby drool. I ate lots of cookies and began writing. Writing had been my passion since I was young and I had forgotten how much it meant to me. It's funny how these little lives come into your life and cause chaos but at the same time allow you to re-discover yourself. Thank you to Konrad and Koby for that. So sit down have a cookie and read. I hope you enjoy my blog as much as I enjoy writing. Thanks for visiting. I'm glad you stopped by.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

The Ride Of My Life

It is exactly one month from today that I turn 40. I have been dreading this day for over a year now. Turning 39 was hard because I knew the next year I'd be the BIG 4 0!
As the day quickly approaches I have been on an emotional roller coaster-actually more of the ride has been on a fast slope going down. I've noticed more grey hair and wrinkles. I immediately went out and bought an entire new skin care regime and I'm trying to figure away to pull back my skin with a hair clip- I will not succumb to this age thing with out a fight!
I've been trying to understand why this number is bothering me so much- I don't feel my age. Remembering back I can recall two instances that stand out in my mind...why turning 40 is so awful.
The first is when I was 11 or 12 (I can't remember) the doctors were explaining to my parents and me why it was so important I have open heart surgery to fix my hole in my heart. I remember asking...what if I don't? The doctor said...when you are 40 you could have a heart attack. I can so vividly remember what, I'll be half dead by then anyway. (thankfully my parents had me have the surgery)
The second was my mom's 40th. I can see her at the doorway entering as we all shout surprise! We were all dressed in black. Black decorations. Black balloons. So horrible. (sorry mom)
Self reflection for me this past year-especially these last few months have been huge-
Who was I?
Who am I?
Two weeks ago I wished I could have a re-do. Do things in my life differently-Be someone different. But then I went out and purchased this book, Forty Things To Do When You turn Forty written by "experts" on turning 40. Some ideas in the book where crazy-let your hair go grey. Absolutely not! I thought. Some stuff was just dull- but some ideas touched me and made my roller coaster I was on slow down-
"Forty is a time to celebrate the next step in the journey and acknowledge how far you've already come." By Scott Chesney
That made me see for the first time how momentous this number truly is. I have lived FORTY years!
40 years of a life filled with love.
I have laughed and cried.
I've been happy and proud for accomplishments.
I've been sad and felt beaten for failures.
But looking back at the last 40 years it is because of each and every moment I can embrace this day as a celebration of all that I have lived.
The roller coaster is now slowly creeping back up the steep, tall climb....
I'm excited knowing that on the other side is a huge drop-
A drop that is open to many possibilities....
My stomach lurches-
My face is pulled back from the force-
I raise my arms high over head-
I scream with delight.....
I am 40!!!!


  1. I can relate to having past things cast a shadow over us at certain ages, like your childhood thoughts of 40 being so old you'd be at death's door anyway. I'm getting close to the age of my mother when she died. It's on my mind a lot these days, and will probably be more so for the next two years. Maybe there's a book for me, too. As for your book, you connected with the pieces that spoke to you and ignored those that were corny or dull. That demonstrates a slogan I once heard. "Take the best and leave the rest. So glad you are enjoying the ride now; although I hope karma doesn't come back and make you the guest of honor at a black balloon party.
    Happy Birthday!

  2. Oh cookie-MOMster
    I laughed I teared up I laughed...
    Double sorry Di!
    I have never worried/thought about age "it's just a number" then 38 turned to 39 and then 40 was approaching and the oh shit syndrome happened...time passed I have chosen to defy age my own way...
    Just keep being alive...that means making mistakes and living through them.. and having our eyes wide open when tradegy stikes and crying and screaming and feeling alive and living through it... I could go on it's a good day because yesterday I said hello in a month I will be 47 :) and I feel 36 which makes you 29! XO

  3. I got your link from your aunt, and my dear friend, Carole! And I love your post! I will be hitting the big 4-0 next April. I was with Carole on her 40th, and I have to say, it was not so insightful a time, but I will let her tell you about that ;-) I remember being the only one of my friends excited about turning 30... after all, it had to be better than my 20's, right? And my mother, grandmother, and great grandmother had always taught me that people afraid of getting older are silly... it is better than the alternative! And if you enjoy every stage, then you will not have missed a thing. I too, however, have been wary of the 4-0... but then I remember 30... I was psyched, and I wasn't married yet, didn't have my two children yet, had not yet gone to law school... I had no idea how many things were ahead of me... I can't wait to see what my 40's bring! Thanks for such an insightful post... and reminding me that there is so much to look forward to!

  4. I enjoyed your post. Found it by looking for Mark Ingram pics. Don't understand that. ha. But I to turned 40 in July and before my birthday I did some reflecting. The biggest thing I have noticed that apparently I had surgery in my lapse of emotional reflection because I can not remember or find anything. I spend more time looking for things than I spend doing anything constructive. I lose important things, and things that I use often, daily, and many keys, cell phone, wallet...i guess I should be thankful that I have not lost my kids yet. If I could just miss place my husband I would be ok with 40. there is always hope..there is 650. :)

  5. JT sings the secret to life is enjoying the passage of time... something like that...daaadaaada...

    To me that means not beating myself up for making mistakes. I get up each day and try to do my best. Some days I do a better job of being a human being. Believe it or not I am a better listener... Ha!

    Anyway,just be true to yourself. Enjoy the moment even if it is a little painfull. Break thrus come when we are at our most vulnerable and at our weakest point.

    My next steps: painting, art in general, looking at nature, walking, playing Wii, gathering with family and finding and search for a job I like then a job I love.

    Like in Fiddler on the Roof! Say, To LIFE!!! with a big roar!
    Love and Happy Birthday Tiger!